01
“We got five rings.”
Your primary argument predates smartphones, streaming, and several members of the current roster.
CASE FILES
Grounds for immediate relocation review
Any one of these may trigger an investigation. Multiple violations may result in a strongly worded website.
02
Born in the DMV.
You grew up nowhere near North Texas and somehow chose this life anyway. The board has questions.
03
“This is our year.”
Repeated annual use of this phrase will be documented and may be used against you next January.
04
Never lived in Texas.
Lifetime Dallas fan. Zero Texas addresses. A remarkable commitment to making things harder on yourself.
05
“America’s Team.”
Self-reporting this phrase inside the Beltway automatically forwards your file to senior management.
06
Still talking about the ’90s.
Your VHS tapes and championship memories may accompany you to Dallas at no additional charge.
RELOCATION SCREENING
Dallas Fan Relocation Assessment
Answer honestly. Your relocation status will be determined immediately.
STATUS
PUBLIC SERVICE TOOL
Issue a relocation notice
Got a Dallas fan in your life? Generate their relocation notice.
EMAIL IT TO THEM
DMV DALLAS FAN RELOCATION OFFICE
NOTICE OF
RELOCATION
RELOCATION
CASE NO. TYPATD-00000
NAME PENDING
LOCATION PENDING
Primary offense:
A Dallas-related violation will appear here.
You are hereby instructed to take your punk ass to Dallas.
PACK LIGHT.
ADVANCED EXCUSE ANALYTICS
Dallas Fan Excuse Generator
Our database now contains an irresponsibly large supply of excuses. It cycles through them without repeating until the bag is exhausted.
YOUR OFFICIAL EXCUSE:
“Click the button. We’ll handle the rest.”
TRANSLATION:
A Dallas fan is preparing the paperwork before anything has even happened.
GEOGRAPHY LESSON FOR LOCAL DALLAS FANS
Good news: we found Dallas.
Dallas, Texas. Washington, D.C. Two different places. We marked the route.
WASHINGTON, D.C. → DALLAS, TEXAS
YOUR ROUTE
DALLAS IS THE ONE IN TEXAS
Washington, D.C. — where you currently live and yell about Dallas
Dallas, Texas — the place your jersey keeps talking about
RELOCATION DIRECTIONS
We even looked up the drive for you.
From Washington, D.C.
To Dallas, Texas.
Preferably one-way.
Plenty of time to tell the driver about the five rings.
Open actual directions →LIVE DIRECTIONS: D.C. → DALLAS
SCOUTING REPORT
The DMV Dallas Fan Field Guide
Identify the Dallas fan in your life.
Loud & Obnoxious
Will turn a normal cookout into a four-hour debate about “America’s Team” even though nobody asked.
Actual Connection to Dallas
Born in the DMV. Raised in the DMV. Somehow talks like the family ranch is five minutes from AT&T Stadium.
August Super Bowl Confidence
Every August: “This team is DIFFERENT.” Every January: “The refs, the coach, injuries, Jerry… basically everybody except Dallas.”
1990s Emergency References
When the current season gets uncomfortable, they immediately open the emergency file labeled “FIVE RINGS.”
Bandwagon Detection
Cowboys. Yankees. Lakers. Maybe Duke. Somehow every childhood favorite was already on national TV.
January Availability
Very easy to find after a Week 4 win. Strangely unavailable in the group chat after a playoff loss.
THE BULLET SPORTS GROUP BLOG
Important journalism about unserious people
Important reporting from the front lines.
INVESTIGATION
We Found Dallas. It Was in Texas the Whole Time.
After years of observing Cowboys jerseys in D.C., Maryland and Virginia, our research team made a stunning discovery: Dallas is not actually located anywhere near the Capital Beltway.
Sources confirm Interstate 35, brisket and several million actual Texans have been there for quite some time. This raises an urgent question for local Dallas fans: if the star means that much to you, why are you still yelling about it from a townhouse off Route 1?
CULTURE
Why Is Every Dallas Fan So Loud?
Nobody has ever whispered “America’s Team.” The phrase must be delivered at maximum volume, preferably while someone else is talking.
Researchers believe the volume is defensive. If you say “five rings” loudly enough, there is a chance nobody will ask what happened last January. This technique is especially effective at family functions, sports bars and group chats.
BEHAVIORAL SCIENCE
The Bandwagon Starter Pack
Cowboys hat. Yankees fitted. Lakers hoodie. A mysterious childhood connection to whichever college football team is ranked No. 1.
Bonus points if the explanation begins with “my cousin liked them when I was six.” We respect childhood loyalty. We are simply asking why childhood loyalty somehow selected the most nationally televised teams in every sport.
TRADITION
“This Is Our Year”: America’s Longest-Running Seasonal Program
The leaves change. Pumpkin spice returns. Dallas fans announce that this team feels different.
The ceremony typically begins after a convincing preseason drive and continues until the exact moment someone has to explain why a 12-win season still ended in a living room argument about play calling.
EMERGENCY USE ONLY
When All Else Fails, Break Glass and Say “Five Rings.”
A timeless verbal escape hatch for any conversation involving present-day football.
Down 17? Five rings. Lost the division? Five rings. Somebody asks about the last three playoff exits? Please remain calm while a championship won before Wi-Fi is deployed into the discussion.
PUBLIC SAFETY
How to Survive a Dallas Fan in Your Group Chat
Step one: mute notifications after a Week 3 win. Step two: do not engage with screenshots of power rankings.
Most importantly, save every August prediction. The group-chat ecosystem depends on responsible recordkeeping. Screenshots are the natural predator of revisionist history.
BULLET SPORTS GROUP
Follow Bullet Sports Group.
BULLET SPORTS GROUP
Follow the crew at the top.
Follow the crew ↑
A MESSAGE TO DALLAS FANS
PACK LIGHT.
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